


Why would you ever kiss me?

by strawberry_ia



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: F/M, Hanahaki Disease, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-12
Updated: 2020-07-24
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:35:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25211770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strawberry_ia/pseuds/strawberry_ia
Summary: Heavily influenced by Conan Gray's 'Heather''Why would you ever kiss me?I'm not even half as prettyYou gave her your sweaterIt's just polyesterBut you like her better'Suga is in love with Daichi. The Hanahaki that fills his lungs is physical proof of that love. Proof that Daichi doesn’t feel the same.
Relationships: Michimiya Yui/Sawamura Daichi, Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 8
Kudos: 71





	1. Chapter 1

Sugawara closed his eyes. He took a deep breath and wiped the sweat off his forehead. He opened his eyes and looked at Daichi.

  
“Hey so,” Suga started, “tonight I’m thinking-“

“Actually,” Daichi cut him off, “I’m going to Michimiya’s house today.”

Sugawara stopped putting away his volleyball shoes. It was Friday night after practice, which usually meant the two would hang out. Maybe stop by a shop on the way to one of their houses to pick up snacks before procrastinating sleep as long as they could.

Daichi smiled smally as he zipped up his bag, “Her mom is making zunda mochi tonight and Michimiya insists that it’s the best.” He huffed a little laugh, “She always eats it all before she gets the chance to bring me some.”

“Oh,” Suga smiled back as their eyes met, “I hope it’s as delicious as she makes it out to be.”

Daichi laughed, “Me too.” He stood and slung his bag over his shoulder, “Well, I’ll see you Monday.”

“Yeah, see you,” Suga called back as Daichi walked away. As soon as he was outside the building, Suga let his smile drop. His mind was stuck on the way Daichi looked as he was talking about Michimiya. The daydreamy look where his smile was soft and gaze far away.

Suga forced his mind away from the connotations of Daichi’s expression and focused on packing up his things, tuning in to his teammates’ conversations instead.

“I loved that part where they were like Gwaaah! And then he ran up to the other guy and went Woosh and Ba-bang!” Hinata said excitedly as he acted something out with much more energy than Suga currently had after practice.

“I don’t think you would make it as a movie critic,” Tsukishima said snarkily under his breath as he turned to leave.

“Hey!” Hinata called out.

Yamaguchi chuckled with his hand over his mouth as he moved to follow Tsukishima, “But you have to admit it’s entertaining.”

“I think you could be a movie critic, Hinata,” Sugawara said as he picked up his bag and put a hand on Hinata’s shoulder, “Tsukki’s just not in your target audience.”

Hinata had a giant smile on his face and put his hand on his head sheepishly as Suga walked away, “Oh,” he laughed, “really?”

“Hinata, dumbass,” Kageyama chided as he whacked the back of Hinata’s head, “Suga-san meant you could critique kids movies and they’d love it because no adult can understand you.”

Suga smiled as he left. It didn’t reach his eyes. The sound of the freshmen fighting quieted the farther away he walked.

The louder the roar in his gut screamed that he was doing to lose Daichi. He took the quiet walk home to try and sort out his thoughts, and he came to a conclusion.

He had to tell Daichi how he felt. If he didn’t, Suga was sure he would lose him. He was currently losing him. This wasn’t the first time Daichi had left Suga to spend time with Michimiya instead. If Daichi felt the same, then they could be happy together. Then Suga wouldn’t have to hide his feelings.  
Monday. After school on Monday Suga would tell Daichi how he felt. He would take the weekend to plan and prepare. He had to take the chance. This was their last year together. If Daichi didn’t feel the same, he was almost sure he would lose his best friend even if he didn’t confess.

…

It was Monday morning and Suga’s stomach was filled with anxiety. He had planned on arriving at school as late as possible. That would give him a little more time to sleep, a little less time trying not to make it awkward in the morning when he saw Daichi before class. He would ask to talk after school at the end of lunch.

The sleeping in part never happened, as his body decided 5:30am was the perfect time to play a nightmare and not let him go back to sleep. Instead of futilely trying to go back to sleep, Suga tried to distract himself as much as he could with his phone until he finally needed to get to class.

He ended up arriving just a few minutes early, and decided to take his time going to his shoe locker. Daichi was almost certainly already in class, the outstanding student he was, and Suga was sure the more time they had to make idle chit chat the more obvious it would be that he was acting strange.

That perfect student had apparently decided to take a break today though, because when Suga closed his locker, Daichi was rushing past to get to his own.

“Hold this really quick?” Daichi asked as he shoved his bag into Suga’s arms and pulled off his shoes.

“Uhh… sure,” Suga said as he repositioned his arms so he had a better grip, “You’re pretty late today.”

“Yeah,” Daichi said with a small smile, “I was up late last night.” He shoved his shoes into the locker and closed it, slipping on his new ones

“Oh? Well, we should probably get to class,” Suga suggested and held out Daichi’s bag.

“Yeah, thanks,” Daichi took the bag back and started walking.

The two barely made it before the bell ran.

…

Lunch finally rolled around, but Suga’s stomach was not ready to eat. He had packed a light lunch in advance, and slowly ate it throughout the hour. Some of their friends from class 4 and Asahi joined him and Daichi for lunch, making light conversation about their classes and events that happened over the weekend.

When lunch finally ended and they made their way back to class, Suga forced himself to ask.

Before entering the classroom, he pulled Daichi aside, “Hey, can we talk about something after class today?”

“Yeah sure, there’s actually something I want to talk about as well,” Daichi replied casually.

Suga was surprised but was able to shake it off quickly, “All right, I need to talk to a teacher after class first but it won’t take long. Is meeting behind the volleyball courts okay?”

Needing to talk to a teacher was a lie, but Suga wanted a private place to have the conversation and without the buffer they would have to walk to the courts together.

“Yeah! Sounds good.” Daichi turned and walked into the classroom.

Suga took a second before following. He was calming the raging thoughts of ‘what if’ that were now running around in his head. ‘It’s fine’ he told himself, ‘don’t worry about what he has to say, just wait until after class. It’s only three hours.’

Those three hours ended up feeling more like 30. The girl who usually sat in between Suga and Daichi in class was missing today so Suga spent the better part of those hours staring at the back of Daichi’s head instead of paying attention.

Suga was so stuck in his thoughts, he barely registered the sound of the dismissal bell. He quickly packed up his bag and gave a little wave to Daichi, who was already heading out the door, “See you soon.”

Suga feigned walking towards the teacher’s offices and once he was sure Daichi was out of sight, slipped into the nearest bathroom.

He stood in front of the mirror and looked into his own eyes. He took a shaky deep breath and ran his fingers through his hair.

‘It will be fine,’ he told himself, ‘you have to do this.’

After waiting a few minutes and taking a few more breaths until his heartbeat was no longer palpable, he made his way to the volleyball courts.

Suga clenched and released his fists to try and release just a little more of the anxiety before rounding the final corner around the building. Seeing Suga out of the corner of his eye, Daichi stood up from where he was leaning against the wall and gave a little wave.

“How did it go with the teacher?” Daichi asked.

“It was fine, I was just dropping off a revised homework,” Suga replied, trying to sound casual as his chest tightened.

“Oh, okay. So… you wanted to talk to me about something?” Daichi asked.

“Yeah, well… didn’t you have something to say as well?” Suga knew he shouldn’t try to prolong it but he couldn’t help himself. Everything was about to change

“Yeah but you’re the-“

“Sawamura!” Michimiya cut off Daichi as she waved to him from across the yard.

Both of them turned to look at her as she called out. As she started to make her way to them, Suga turned to watch Daichi’s reaction.

And that’s when he knew. Suga watched his eyes as she walked towards them. And it was like watching him take his first real breath of the day. And he looked at her like she was the only thing in the world. Daichi was mesmerized. And Suga was dying.

There was a sharp pain in his chest. Why was he surprised? He knew this was probably coming, that’s why he was here, to try and stop it. But he couldn’t. He hadn’t cared that he was being selfish, but now there was no point in telling Daichi anymore. It would only definitely make things worse.

Suga could feel his throat close, his eyes sting. He looked away from Daichi, and back to Michimiya. Now that she was closer, he could tell she was wearing Daichi’s sweater.  
He liked her better. He always would. Suga was naive to think he stood a chance.

“You’re in love with her,” Suga said, more to tell himself than get confirmation from Daichi.

“Wh-“ Daichi blushed and stammered, “I mean- We just- It’s a little early to call it love. But yeah, we’re dating. That’s what I wanted to tell you.”

As Michimiya finally closed the distance between them, the couple embraced quickly, separating but still keeping their hands on each other.

“I haven’t seen you all day,” Michimiya said with a small smile.

“It’s good to see you. I was just telling Suga about us,” Daichi explained, “He was actually going to talk to me about something as well.”

“Oh,” Michimiya turned to Suga, “do you need me to leave?”

“No,” Suga forced a smile and tried to swallow the knot in his throat away. “I actually uhh… I actually was just going to tell Daichi he should man up and ask you out,” Suga came up with the lie surprisingly easily, lightly hitting Daichi’s shoulder with his fist, “looks like he didn’t need my advice. I’ll leave you guys to it though.” He was almost sure his eyes would give away his hurt, but Daichi was looking at Michimiya again, and she was looking back at him.

Suga turned away from them, his fake smile dropping quickly. He casually walked away, towards home. His feet guided him automatically as his mind was caught in the way Daichi looked at her. How Daichi had never looked at him like that.

Suga managed to make it all the way home without breaking down. As soon as he closed the door to his bedroom he got in his bed and sobbed. He couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think, his body and mind were consumed by the anxiety and longing that had been growing all day, and had suddenly turned to sadness and hopelessness. Logically, he knew it wasn’t the end of the world. They could still be friends. He could find someone else. But up until now there had always been hope. The ability to daydream and think, this might happen one day. Today was the closest Suga was going to get to that idealistic world. Even if Daichi had turned him down, that weight of hiding his feelings would have been lifted. But this was the worst case scenario. Suga had lied and lied and he hadn’t even completed what he set out to do.

So he cried, and his nose ran, and his breaths heaved and hiccuped. He let out all his thundering emotions into his pillow. He almost felt like he was dying, that this heartache would never go away.  
He started coughing, the pain in his chest growing and growing as he kept coughing until he was able to cough something up. It had the rusty taste of blood and he spit it out in his hand.  
As Suga stared at the small bloody leaf in his hand, he now knew his previous thought actually had been true, because it turns out, he really was dying.


	2. Chapter 2

After wiping the blood off, he saw that the leaf was smaller than his fingernail, pointed and light green. His throat burned and the taste of blood lingered in his mouth. Tears continued to roll down his face. It was the Hanahaki Disease.

This meant that he truly loved Daichi. It wasn’t mutual. He knew that already though, didn’t he? Even before today, Suga had known in the back of his mind that the love Daichi had for him was never more than friendship. But Suga couldn’t stop himself from falling in love with Daichi. No one else could make him laugh so hard or inspire him so much or make him smile just by looking at him. 

While technically treatable, the operation to remove the flowers growing in Suga’s chest was complicated. It needed both a double lung transplant and a temporal lobe surgery so the disease would not come back. It was dangerous, expensive, the recovery time was long, and finding two lungs to transplant was difficult. If it succeeded, the loved would become a stranger and the patient would never love again. The only real way to ‘cure’ Hanahaki was if the romantic love was requited. 

The surgery would kill his love for Daichi if he even survived it. The memories would lose all color. The feelings would be drained away. What would be the point? Because wasn’t love and happiness what life was about? Without love, life was meaningless. Suga would just be a husk of the person he used to be.

Additionally, Suga’s family, while comfortable, could not afford the surgery. With a high mortality rate, the cost of the funeral on top of the medical bills would put his family under for years. 

So for the next few months, Suga’s chest would hurt and he would cough up bigger and bigger leaves to buds to petals until he was coughing up whole flowers every time he thought of Daichi. Staying away would be nearly impossible, the two were in the same class and the same team. His options were get the surgery, try to get Daichi to love him back, or just accept his fate. The first one was out, the second was probably immoral, and the third meant dying painfully slow. The chance the second one would work was probably close to 0, but if it saved his life, maybe it was worth the shot. 

If he tried to tell Daichi his feelings, there was no way he could bring up the Hanahaki disease. It would only guilt him into trying to love him, it would never be real love. But then again, how do you get someone to fall in love with you in a few months when they just got into a relationship?

Had Suga known the answer, he probably wouldn’t have Hanahaki in the first place.

Knowing the basics of the disease, he figured more information would probably help with some of the answers. He reached to pick up his phone, but stopped. Looking it up would make it feel real. It didn’t feel real. It couldn’t be real. 

Suga pushed those thoughts away. He had to figure out what to do. The next step was to figure out how to hide it. He knew if his family found out that he was suffering like this, they would immediately rush him to the hospital. And if his friends found out, they would just tell his family. It was better that no one knew anyways. The pitying looks could probably hurt just as much as the flowers.

It would probably get harder to hide as time went on, but he still needed to go to practice, still needed to go to school. He could probably cite allergies for a while. As long as he was able to hide the blood and swallow the flowers. 

For now, he needed to find a good cough suppressant and pick himself up. He was going to make the most of what little time he had left. He would enjoy his life. There was nothing else he could do. He couldn’t make Daichi love him. He couldn’t stop his own love. He couldn’t save his life. 

So he sat on the edge of his bed and wiped off his tears. He would probably pass his younger sister on his way out the door, so he pulled out his phone to make sure his eyes weren’t too noticeably puffy. As he turned it on to open the camera, his home screen showed him a new text from Daichi.

‘Is that really what you wanted to talk to me about?’

Maybe Daichi had noticed after all. There were two clear options Suga had to choose between. Say yes, lie again and hope Daichi would believe him, or say no, tell the truth. Or at least part of the truth. 

If he said no, he was sure that Daichi would understand why he lied while Michimiya was there. He wouldn’t have to feel guilty about that lie. But Daichi was giving him the chance now to come clean. Suga had already decided he wouldn’t tell him or anyone else about the disease. He didn’t know what to do, so he just started typing and went with his gut.

‘Yeah, Basically ‘

His chest hurt. He deleted the text. Apparently his gut and lungs didn’t agree. Maybe the truth would be better. He tried again.

‘No, I kind of wanted to tell you the opposite.’

He stared at the flashing cursor. He could just say that he didn’t think Michimiya was good for Daichi. He didn’t have to say anything about his own feelings. Even if he did say that, texting wasn’t the right way to tell him. He deleted the message again. He couldn’t hide behind his phone as he disparaged his best friend’s new girlfriend. They should meet up to talk again, but first Suga needed to plan out what he was going to say.

He played out the conversation out in his head. Saying that Michimiya wasn’t right for Daichi would just lead to the question of ‘Why?’ and Suga didn’t actually have a reason. He couldn’t criticize her or their relationship. Maybe he could just tell him the original confession. Say nothing about Hanahaki, once everyone found out about it (hopefully when it was too late to do anything about), it would be obvious who was causing it.

Suga would reveal his feelings and explain that he didn’t need anything to happen if Daichi felt the same way, nothing had to change. Explain that he had to admit his feelings for himself, and in case there was any chance Daichi felt the same. Any chance Daichi felt the same. 

Suga almost kept forgetting that he already knew that he didn’t love him. Or if he did, it wasn’t real love, not yet at least. That didn’t mean it couldn’t become real love. Maybe Daichi liked him, but didn’t think Suga felt the same. Maybe Michimiya was closer and easier to like. Because liking girls was normal, and Michimiya liked him back. People could like more than one person at a time. Suga had to try. He had to know if there was even a small part of Daichi that liked Suga more than a friend. Suga didn’t really want to die. Daichi was the only one who could save him. 

Please, Suga thought as his eyes started to tear up and his throat burned, please save me.

…

They were meeting at the park nearby at sundown. Daichi had to help around the house and do homework before dinner, which gave Suga time to run to the drugstore and attempt to calm down. 

This time, Suga was the first one there. He hadn’t been able to sit still at home. Trying to work on his homework had been a failure. So now, he walked around the park, trying to make his mind stop worrying and focus on putting one foot in front of the other. Once it came time for the two to meet, he sat at a bench and rehearsed what he was going to say in his head.

The same anxiety he had earlier today had been returned. The greater doubt and the fear that his disease would be discovered made his heart race even more.

Daichi was thankfully a little early, which meant Suga didn’t have to wonder about the truth for much longer.

Daichi smiled softly as he approached and Suga did the same. Neither of them said a word as Daichi took a seat and looked at the sunset for a brief moment before meeting Suga’s eyes again.

Suga stared back, trying to get his mouth to say something. He said that sentence on repeat in his head but his lips wouldn’t move. He could only think of how Daichi had looked at Michimiya, and the difference in how he was looking at Suga now. And it made his chest burn.

He looked to the sky instead, taking a deep breath. The clouds were painted pink against the darkening blue sky. He clasped his hands together tightly, knuckles whitening as he tried to release some of the tension. Just say it. Daichi was sitting just centimeters away. He took another breath. Another. Another. Until his chest didn’t ache and his fingers were relaxed. 

“I’m in love with you.”

Daichi didn’t say anything. Suga kept looking at the clouds and took another deep breath before continuing. 

“I needed to tell you, in case there was any-”

“I can’t.” Daichi cut him off.

Suga looked at him. His jaw was set and his eyebrows were low, but his eyes were still soft above his thin mouth. 

“What?”

“I can’t, “ Daichi repeated, “I’m dating Michimiya.”

“Y- Yeah I know but I-”

“Then you know that I can’t. We’re just friends. That’s all we can ever be.”

There was a long pause.

“Why?” Suga’s voice broke and his breathing was unsteady.

Daichi didn’t answer his question, just looked at him. Then, in a level voice that sounded much too distant for someone who was so close, said, “Is that all you wanted to tell me?”

“Yeah,” Suga whispered.

Daichi pulled Suga into a tight hug, “I’m sorry. I really really am.”

Suga didn’t move. He just let the pressure and warmth of the hug seep into his skin. He focused on taking steady breaths. His previous question bounced around his head so hard he could barely think. 

Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why not? Why can’t you love me?

When Daichi pulled away Suga refocused his vision and attention to the person in front of him. 

“Are you okay?” Daichi asked.

“Yeah,” Suga lied.

“Alright,” Daichi looked reluctant to accept that answer, “I’ll see you tomorrow during school then?” He held out his fist.

It took Suga a second to process what was happening. Daichi was leaving. Suga bumped Daichi’s fist lightly with his own and nodded.

Daichi, smiled back, stood up, and walked away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 7/24/20
> 
> As of now I plan on updating every other week or so. Please let me know if I have any errors!
> 
> Thank you for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> 7/18/20  
> I’m working on chapter 2 right now, I hope to get it out by next week.  
> This should be 5 or 6 chapters total!  
> Thanks for the comments and kudos, they really motivate me


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